Hi, My Name's Koren, And I'm An Alcoholic

Koren Robinson as he appeared in his previous incarnation
as an absinthe maniac in eighteenth century New Orleans.

Dear Bag:

Allow me to touch upon the points you mentioned in your recent post.

Maurice Clarett: Now that's just plumb stupid and a waste of goods. If he wants to go around wearing body armor and carrying shooting irons, let him go to some place where they'll get some good use. Like Afrighanistan, Iranque, The Hoosegow, or even White Center.

Koren Robinson: Not suprised in the least. Holmgren gave him a mile of rope and he has continued to hang himself with it, even long after leaving the Seahawks. Say it loud, say it plowed: He am a akka-hollik. Death, recovery or institutions. End of story. (The NFL does not count as an institution. -Ed.) Perhaps he should leave the glaring spotlight of sports and embrace his real vocation by writing for this magazine right here. I never understood the connection between alcoholism and football. Seems to me an addiction like meth or crank might be more performance-enhancing. Hell, you could even do amyl nitrate poppers (although it might make your locker smell like a gay bar from the 80s). But booze? That's just spudtarded.

Your Couch: A fine enough pedestal whereupon to perch and chide, if you ask me. 'T'were it not for Monday-morning-quarterbacking, beer-swilling thrilletantes like yourself, fellows like Koren and Maurice would never get money for booze and ammunition. They owe you one way or the other, as far as I can see. Also, I have heard that your couch has a stain that bears an uncanny resemblance to JP Losman. Either it's a miracle, or it's just the spot where you have passed out face-down in a beer sweat time and time again.

Joe Jurevicius: Speak not ill of Joe Michael "Joe Joe" Jurevicius in my presence! He's a family guy, and he wants to play on his home team in Cleveland. (That's Vacation Spot USA if you're Lithuanian! -Ed.) He's fulfilling a boyhood fantasy by doing so. The fact that the Browns have consistently sucked since 1946 is neither here nor there. He did a stand-up job for the Seahawks, signed with the Browns for less dough than we offered him, and so there you are. The only downside to this is that now I have to buy a new 'Hawks jersey (ouch) and watch Browns games (OUCH!).

Seneca Wallace: Look, you never answered me. Are you going to go to the meet 'n' greet on September 5th and get Seneca to sign my football, or should I just put you on the "Dead To Me" list right now? Put that hookah down and answer me, damn you!

See ya at Hempfest, ya goddamn beatnik.

-Deus