I Have Needs

It was a quasi-religious experience. So skillfully didst he snatch
the ball from the air, that likewise didst he snatch the air from the
lungs of Ken Lucas. In thy face, former Seahawk!

Dear Bag:

Tragedy has already struck and the regular season has scarcely begun. I'm not talking about the fact that every single member of the Seahawks is injured (including but not limited to the guy who spreads Cramergesic on groin pulls and the guy who makes the hot dogs). No, it's not we lost a who-gives-a-rat's-ass exposition game, making the word "sloppy" the most-googled term in the pacific northwest. No, it's none of that.

Seneca Wallace is going to be at a meet 'n' greet at the Seahawks Pro Shop on September 5th and I WILL NOT BE THERE TO MEET AND/OR GREET HIM! [Insert wailing.]

So I must beseech you, Dear Douchebag, to go to the Pro Shop on September 5th in my stead. I will give you a brand-spankin'-new football to have him sign. You must tell him how I have been watching his jaw-droppingly magnificent catch (NFC Championship game, 1st quarter, 5:52 remaining, 20 yard line) each Monday, Wednesday and Friday since January 22nd, 2005. You must tell him that I have worn a hole in my TiVo doing this. And you must remain and observe as he shakes his head in disbelief, mutters "that muffucker mus' be jus' stone cold crazy straight up out of his muffuckin' mind", and instructs his attorney to draw up a standard no-contact order.

YOU MUST DO THIS! State your assent and compliance or be DEAD TO ME!

Love forever,

-Deus